if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
