Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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