im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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