So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
