I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
