My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
