Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
