and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
