Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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