Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
