You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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