This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
