So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
