Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
