My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
