There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
