I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
