There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
