I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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