How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
