Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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