Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
