i just wanna soil my oats bro
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
