Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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