DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
