pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Non-Jews are for practice
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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