What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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