this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
