An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
