the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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