I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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