my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize