Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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