I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
