why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
