On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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