Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
