My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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