I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
