Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
