Can i not drive my cunt home
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
