We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
