My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
