Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I will pee on everything he values.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
