You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
