ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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