I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
