Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
