I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
