just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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