you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Randomize
