i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
don't judge my taste in strippers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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