you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
