corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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